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Mobile Phone

 

英文リーディング & レポートライティング中級

 

This student took IRWR (Intermediate Reading and Writing Reports), a good course to prepare for writing at the university level. Each course assignment includes reading a short article and writing a report about the article. For the report, the student summarizes the article and then discusses one aspect of the article. The course goal is to develop critical thinking and analytical skills.

 

Mobile Phone

I agree that “Japan is crazy about mobile phones.” Also, I think that mobile phones affect Japanese lifestyle and society. Of course, it is convenient for us to live with mobile phones. But mobile phones provide us with poor human relationships because the Japanese are too crazy for mobile phones.

Young Japanese people are likely to use e-mail in spite of no business. When I talk with my friends, they exchange e-mails with someone. Their useless e-mails interfere with our conversation.

Recently, there have been serious bullying problems on mobile phones in Japan. Students abuse other students on the bulletin board system of the mobile phone’s sites. In a serious case, a victim of bullying committed suicide after bullies abused him on BBS and pasted up a picture of him naked on the BBS. Because bullies don’t meet victims in person and can hide their names, they escalated more on the BBS of the mobile phone’s site than in face-to-face confrontations. Bullying with mobile phones also lets bullies hide from teachers. 

There are also online dating sites. Originally, people met strangers who were interested in common things using online dating sites. But these days men commit acts of obscenity toward women and adults kidnap children by using the sites. In spite of caution toward women and children, unwelcome acts are never eliminated. Modern people can’t stop using the sites to feel connected with someone.

The Japanese are crazy for mobile phones. As a result, mobile phones give Japanese people poor relationships. I think Japanese people need to use mobile phones only when they have business. 

 

 

Coach comments on the assignment

 

You did a fine job with this essay. You provided good examples of the use of mobile phones (your own experience, bullying, and dating sites). You devoted a paragraph to each example. You have a good sense of paragraph development.

I also like your repetition of “The Japanese are crazy for mobile phones” in the last paragraph. It recalls your first paragraph. It is a nice way to close your essay.

Here are some suggestions: 

 

  • Remember that the course description asks you to begin your essay with a summary. Describe the article you read in a few sentences.
  • The word “recently” means in the immediate past, and it is used with the past tense of the verb (“I saw a good movie recently.”). If you wish to use a verb in the present tense, “currently” is a good choice (“A movie starring XYZ is currently playing.”)

 

Another way to begin your third paragraph is to say, “There are currently serious bullying problems on mobile phones in Japan.”

 

  • Try to use the active voice more often. For instance, instead of “There are online dating sites,” you could say, “Thousands of people use online dating sites.

 

Here are some sentences that could benefit from using the active voice. How would you rephrase them?

“It is convenient for us to live with mobile phones.”
“Unwelcome acts are never eliminated.”
“Bullying with mobile phones lets bullies hide from teachers.”

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